Mistakes
by swimchic2
Summary: 11 Takes place after the season 4 finale. Rory's thoughts on that night, after weeks have passed, after she has realized her mistakes. Angst. Please read and review! :D


Mistakes

Disclaimer: Don't own it. Don't sue me.

Summary: Takes place after the season 4 finale. Just a one parter.

A/N: Well, I'm sick and I was lying in bed watching Dog Eat Dog and this just popped into my head. I didn't even write a rough draft…just sat down and typed. It is angst and I've never written angst before, so I have no idea what put me in the mood for this, being sick, perhaps. Anyways, I hope you enjoy it. :D

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She sits in her room, on her bed, all alone. She feels so small, so empty, like something was torn out of her. And in a way, it was.

Many days have past since that night, weeks even. She is home because of summer vacation, although she wishes that she wasn't, so that she could be at Yale, and have something to preoccupy herself with, essays, tests, anything. Anything would be better than having all day to sit and think about it.

Lorelai tries to comfort her, to be there for her, but she struggles to let her in. She is ashamed. She is embarrassed. She remembers those words. I hate you. She had yelled them. She had yelled them at the person who meant more to her than anything.

She thinks about that night constantly. Being in her room brings the memories back. She hates it. She threw away those sheets, that comforter; Lorelai even bought her a new mattress at her request, but it doesn't take away the thoughts.

She doesn't know why she did it. She knew that she didn't love him. Dean. She never did love Dean that way. She loved him like she'd love a brother. I slept with my brother, she thinks, and the thought sends chills down her spine.

Her mother had asked her what had happened to the Pro and Cons list. She will never admit that she briefly made one. Forgetting Jess was on the Pro side. Jess was on the Con side. It was a toss up. Jess was the only thing on either side of the list. She wishes that she could go back to that day and change it. She would have stayed at the Inn a little longer; she would not have let Dean in the house.

She thinks about how she had saved herself for so long, how she had never, not even when they were together, considered sleeping with Dean. Yet she had discussed sleeping with Jess with her mom. Sleeping with Jess would have been right. Jess was not married. Jess had been her boyfriend. Jess had loved her. A tear rolls down her check as she remembers his words. They echo through her. I love you. And he meant it; she could tell that he meant it.

She didn't stop him, which had been her first mistake. She should have run after him. Done something, but she didn't, and the chance had disappeared.

Her second mistake had been saying no to him when he had been at her dorm. Although it is true that she couldn't possibly have gone with him, not as he said, she could have talked to him. She didn't have to yell it. The look on his face had hurt her so much, but she had been too stubborn to admit that what he was saying was possibly true.

And her third mistake was obviously sleeping with Dean. She had been hurt; it was a spur of the moment thing. She had been confused. He had talked about leaving Lindsey and how they weren't working out. Yet she hadn't even thought to ask if he was divorcing her, if he had the papers. She just assumed. Assumed that he loved her, assumed that she loved him, assumed that it would make her forget, assumed that his leaving Lindsey was definite. Obviously it had not been.

She hardly ever goes into town. She goes to Luke's sometimes, to the bookstore every now and then. She tries to choose times when she won't see him…them. But she sees them anyways. She sees them walking around the gazebo. Him holding her hand, her leaning against him and rubbing her belly. They look so happy it could make her sick. But she decides that it's for the better. She and Dean would not have worked….there is nothing there. It's good that Lindsey's pregnant. It brought them together, it will make them work. It's hard to see him though, to see him look at her as though nothing had happened, when it had. It had happened. There was no way to change it.

There is a knock at her door and she plasters on a fake smile. It is very rare to see a genuine one anymore. Everyone knows it, they can see it. She opens the door to see Lane on the other side, ready to go to the movies.

Many mistakes seemed to have happened lately, she thinks. But, mistakes help you to learn, they make you a stronger person. She grabs her purse and steps out the door, ready to face yet another day in town. After all, mistakes are the building blocks of life, she reminds herself.

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A/N: What do you think? I would appreciate if you'd review. It might make me feel better ;D


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